Funny Status Messages

   A group of teens is called a whatever

   gaining weight while you owe me money.. is see that as a sign of dis-respect

   Thinking about opening a hamburger joint out in Utah I'll call it "Five Wives"

   The best sign of a happy loving relationship between two people on Valentine's Day is no sign of it all on Facebook.

   Vegan: Pigs are one of the smartest animals, how can you eat them? Me: 2 out of 3 of them build their houses out of $hit materials...

   My wife asked me "What was the last movie you watched that made you cry?" "Our wedding video." was not the right answer.

   It's not always the one that got away that troubles me the most, as sometimes it's the one that won't go away.

   I stayed up all night trying to remember if I had Amnesia or Insomnia.

   hard liquor because I don't don't have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day

   My wife is a porn star. If she ever finds out, she'll kill me.

   Losing an argument when you are right just because the other person is too stupid to understand what you are saying is the most infuriating thing in the universe.

   Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.

   You far-rights and far-lefts are really screwed up people. Thank God I'm in the middle.

   If you send an e-mail to someone in jail, are you allowed to attach a file?

   Dear friends older than 37: You don't have to put 2 spaces after the period anymore. That was for the typewriter era. You're free.

   Quote of the year: If you think life is unfair, you’re not gonna be too thrilled about death.

   Remember when Ron Paul was too crazy to be President.

   Biggest oxymoron ever: Customer service. Biggest lie ever: This call "may" be recorded for "training" purposes.

   Fourth of July weekend is when we finally get to play our favorite American guessing game, Firework or Gunshot!!!

   Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we're together now.