Funny Status Messages

   Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!!!

   If TuPac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding t-shirts at The Gap right now

   Putting ketchup on steak should also affect your credit score.

   The inventor of the condom died today. Attendees of the funeral described it as "safe, but less enjoyable than other funerals."

   4 out of 5 densits agree that shooting a lion is bad for the long term health of your business.

   -Monday -Tuesday -Wednesday -Thursday -Blink -Monday.

   People think that in Africa we ride lions and elephants to work. That's ridiculous, we don't have jobs.

   Kids Say The Darndest Things: Such as "This Puddin' Pop tastes like roofies"

   Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

   NFL has hired their first female referee... She will throw flags and not tell you what you did. "You know what you did"

   Do You Really expect everybody to believe your "in a relationship" with someone who doesn't have facebook? Your fooling no one..

   Broken guitar for sale - no strings attached.

   How did the blond get lipstick on her steering wheel? She tried to blow the horn.

   thinks spell check is for the week

   I'm fairly sure "PIMPIN LIKE BUBBA GUMP GOES SHRIMPIN" is the worst text I've ever sent.

   Going to dress up as Maury Povich and visit the hospital delivery room telling the guy he is not the father.

   If Juston Beiber is the AMA Artist of the year then I am the next Victoria Secret cover model.

   I played a blank tape at full blast last night. the mime next door went freaking nuts.

   hates doing laundry and wishes her clothes were suicidal so they would hang themselves

   nothing last forever, so live it up, drink it down, laugh it off, avoid the bullsh*ts, take chances, never have regrets because at one point everything you did was exactly what you wanted 2 do!!