Fazzy Funny Status Messages

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   messageicon My dog ate an entire bottle of Tums. I freaked out, so I called the veterinarian and asked him what I should do. He goes, "Take him out for Mexican?"
←Rate | 01-17-2020 17:08 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon The art of thinking can be a likened to a wonderful journey... as long as you begin it with a full tank of gas.
←Rate | 01-16-2020 06:58 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon My concerns with anything having to do with the Royal Family ended in 1776.
←Rate | 01-15-2020 16:50 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon NEWS FLASH! I was hired to proof read the original 10 Commandments. Well let me tell you that I found a big mistake with #7. It should have read: Thou shalt not omit adultery.
←Rate | 01-15-2020 03:57 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon I once had a dog who was the best watchdog ever. Well, he WOULDA been if a vacuum cleaner broke into the house.
←Rate | 01-13-2020 03:33 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon I went to buy a set of salad plates. I asked the saleslady at Ross if they had any 8" plates. She said, "Plates are like men." I asked, "How so?" She goes, "They say 8", but they're actually 6".
←Rate | 01-10-2020 06:31 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon It finally dawned on me why I was bad at math. I noticed during school lunch that my sandwiches were only cut in half. The smart kids' sandwiches were cut into trapezoids and parallelograms.
←Rate | 01-08-2020 17:16 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon I don't believe I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this without being on any medication.
←Rate | 01-07-2020 06:35 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm sick of people contradicting me when I insist that there IS such a thing as an emotional support lasagna.
←Rate | 01-06-2020 06:18 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon It doesn't actually bother me much that I'll keep forgetting to write 2020 on my checks. What does bother me, is that it's 2020 and I'm still writing checks.
←Rate | 01-04-2020 19:49 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon New Year's Resolution: Date more hot women. Amended: Date more. Amended: Get a date. Amended: Stop crying while taking cold showers.
←Rate | 01-02-2020 05:41 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon New Year, New Me Yeah, Right Moment: I thought I'd start wearing glasses to appear somewhat intellectual. No one's buying it though. They all say the same thing, "Uh sir, there's no glass in those frames."
←Rate | 01-01-2020 13:04 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon It's not that I can't stand people who attend the University of Florida, it's that I can't stand the red-necks who love the Gators.
←Rate | 12-31-2019 11:19 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Divorce Log 2006: My ex had her credit card stolen, but I didn't report it. The person who stole it used it less than she did.
←Rate | 12-31-2019 06:05 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got one of those Instant Pot gadgets for Christmas. What a load of BS. 3 days now and it hasn't produced any weed whatsoever. Instant Pot my eye.
←Rate | 12-28-2019 06:18 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Jerk chicken is like regular chicken except he goes around with a backwards baseball cap and calls everyone "chief."
←Rate | 12-26-2019 20:48 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon The Day After Christmas Menu: Breakfast: Leftover lasagna. Lunch: Leftover lasagna. Dinner: Leftover lasagna. Dessert: Leftover lasagna. Beverage: Lasagna shake.
←Rate | 12-25-2019 20:21 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Prepare yourself. The family Christmas pajama pics are headed your way.
←Rate | 12-25-2019 11:09 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon I wrote a song called, "For Crying Out Loud, It's Cold Outside!" It's about me and my wife arguing over the thermostat setting.
←Rate | 12-24-2019 05:13 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm saying this before the 12th day of Christmas even arrives. I'm keeping the 8 maids a milking and the 9 ladies dancing. That's it Everything else is going back to Walmart.
←Rate | 12-23-2019 01:05 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

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