Funny Status Messages
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I'm just looking for anything that gets me as excited as 10-year-old me when Fonzie made a surprise appearance on Laverne & Shirley. 
Problems that have NOT been solved? Please join my class action suit against Vanilla Ice, who promised to solve them.
September 22nd is the first day of Fall. Not today. Not tomorrow. Put down the pumpkin. And stop being a life ruiner. Also pumpkin spice lattes causes constipation.
Honey,, Why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer's office?
Debate Format Change: The first Presidential debate will just be a comprehensive physical exam followed a colonoscopy.
My girlfriend was complaining that I never buy her flowers. I didn’t even know she sold them.
You caught me at a bad time. Between birth and death.
I have heard "I can't believe you're still alive" more times than I'm comfortable with.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: If you are attacked by a mob of Clowns ... Go for the Juggler.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.
"My vote is for sale. Anyone want to one up Madonna? I'm taking offers..."
The only people watching your Facebook Live Streaming are your stalkers.
The first step to causing drama is making sure you tell everyone you hate drama.
When I was young I took drugs to blow my mind. Now I take drugs not to lose it.
Musical Electric Chairs. For death row inmates. Lets make it fun and televise it. . .
Big moment here: I just finished building that gingerbread house for the holidays.
World population :7,618,921,693. .... Just in case someone starts feeling too important
My wife and I got one of those board games for couples to spice things up. It quickly turned into a game of Sorry, which led to me playing a game of Uno 