Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Patriot Act(342 pages) isn't patriotic. The Affordable Care Act(20,000 pages) isn't affordable, and The Net Neutrality Act(400 pages) won't be neutral. When the government tries to spin something as good, you should expect the exact opposite.

   The Lexus commercials with the Christmas bow on the car never show the pissed off wife yelling "You're an idiot Tom! We can't afford this!"

   Why do speed walkers look like kids who are told not to run around the pool?

   You ever read a girl status and wished someone would just treat her right so she'd just stfu

   Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.

   There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.

   How to make a millenial laugh: tell them you have only 22 photos of your entire childhood.

   Not sure who will be performing at the Super Bowl half-time this season but I am already furious about it

   Apologies to all you millennials -- the Disney Channel never prepared you for all this.

   If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.

   I love dieting I'm actually on 4 diets: Chinese, American, Italian and Mexican.

   The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.

   Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He's obviously an undercover cop.

   Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.

   Any coincidence that OJ gets parole about the same time that Ford Motor Company brings back the Bronco?

   When I was younger I used to sneak out Of my home to go to parties, now I sneak away from parties to go home.

   From what I've been told by inside sources, Pete had the most votes in Iowa, but Bernie Sanders keeps insisting that they be distributed equally.

   “Ask not what staying home on the couch can do for you, but what staying home on the couch can do for your country.”

   I'm having a quarintine party this weekend. None of you are invited

   Don't believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon is not up for a good time. What an awkward phone call that was...