Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some fairy tales begin with "Once upon a time..." Others begin with "If elected, I promise..."

   Just got my first shot and going to get another one just as soon as I can get the waitresses attention.

   If you raise your children, you spoil your grandkids. If you spoil your children, you raise your grandkids.

   If you're constantly stirring the pot, not only should you be required to lick the spoon, but also have that spoon jammed up your butt. Perhaps that's your goal anyways.

   Gun sales hit #1 record for a Black Friday sales item.

   Joe Biden wants to put coke back in cocaine, or you know, the thing.

   Jill Biden tries cocaine for the first time, says it needs more coke.

   They’re sending another 40 billion in aid to eastern Europe while our babies starve. That ought to make you mad as hell.

   Ole Nancy and the other baby murderers are crying awful hard today...

   Out of all my body parts, my eyeballs are in the best shape because I roll them like 300 times a day...

   Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it's under the couch in the other room.

   It's better to be kissed by a fool than be fooled by a kiss

   Hang out with people you want holding your hand when your heart stops.

   I'm not a professional caddy but Tiger Woods should have used a driver.

   If it isn't broken, fix it until it is. 🛠

   “The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.” ~ Mark Twain

   Sold my homing pigeon 142 times last year on eBay.

   A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth

   I’m all about unity between the human race and truly believe it’s time we all wake up and realize that we’re all in this together. But when a “artist” wins an award at the VMA’s and thanks God and Justin Bieber in the same breath... It makes

   Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let's just keep it in the carton, ok?