Fazzy Funny Status Messages

   No disrespect to the Vatican, but the actual first Sunday in Ordinary Time is the first Sunday after the Super Bowl.

   I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, milking the cows, slopping the hogs, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn't mind driving a tractor around.

   At what age do you stop needing deodorants and start smelling like mothballs? (Asking for a friend.)

   Some people are like bees. They bring honey, but they also sting. 🐝

   If you want to know how much someone's opinion is worth, try paying your bills with them.

   The Day After Christmas Menu: Breakfast: Leftover lasagna. Lunch: Leftover lasagna. Dinner: Leftover lasagna. Dessert: Leftover lasagna. Beverage: Lasagna shake.

   The good old days are in the past, yet the memories are alive in the present.

   The eyes are the window to the soul. The mouth is the window to the esophagus. (Sorry. I'm anticipating Thanksgiving dinner.)

   Some would call me a "Foodie", but that definition is too refined. I'm more along the lines of a glutton.

   Attention! Due to the extremity of Hurricane Laura's sustained winds, the States of Texas and Louisiana have just issued a toupee' alert.

   Daylight Saving Time. Where we lose an hour of eating.

   Anne, I had to quit my profession as a gynecologist. I got tunnel vision.

   People need to stop hiding behind the cloak of religious dogma and simply focus on becoming a better person.

   I got a call from a guy who said that I should stock up on water, batteries, canned goods, candles and a generator. I said, "Done, thank you. I'm ready for Hurricane Isaias." He said, "No, this is your financial advisor."

   Q. What's in the toilet of the USS Enterprise? A. The Captain's log.

   I know I’m no longer a kid, but I still hold out in the childlike hope that some day money will fall out of the sky. At least enough money to buy a Three Musketeers bar and some wax lips from 7-Eleven.

   The art of thinking can be a likened to a wonderful journey... as long as you begin it with a full tank of gas.

   I went to confession last week. Things in my life have apparently gotten way out of hand, and I mean WAY out. For my penance, the priest gave me 3 Hail Marys, 3 Our Fathers and a Crucifixion.

   My goal for the remainder of the first half of 2020 is to get roughly 30 lbs lighter than the weight I lied about on my drivers license.

   I'm so used to ending phone calls with family and friends by saying "I love you", that I accidentally said it to the female agent at Spectrum. Anyway, she gave me 6 months of free internet and HBO.