Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In a reel-ationship

   It's official...my childhood punishments are now my adult goals! Going to bed early, forced to stay inside, naps, and eating healthy!

   Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

   I'm cool...like the sweat from a snowman.

   RIP Barbara Walters. Beaver Cleaver's TV mom died. Eddie, Whitey, and Lumpy must be devastated.

   I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.

   High On Life 2

   The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

   Padhai nahi ho rahi, kyunki mere bed ka gravitational pull kitni strong hai, ye mere books bhi confirm kar chuki hain

   For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

   My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

   Hey Lay's Potato Chips, you forgot to list "air" under the ingredients... thanks for nothing!

   People say that laughter is the best medicine…your face must be curing the world!

   I'm seeking scientific study assistants and participants to publish a study called "The Perfect Orgasm" - Pay is $20 per session

   Do I love my co workers ? No But are they really good at their job and make my life easier ? Also no

   Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

   I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.

   Earthquakes, Tornadoes, Floods, Hurricanes, Tsunamis etc are considered Acts of God. What a nice guy!

   I learned a valuable lesson today. An LED bulb doesn't work in an easy bake oven. I've been cooking this roast chicken for five hours and it's still raw.

   No New Year, No Groundhog, No Valintine, and now no New President. Holidays suck anymore.