Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes, I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked 'wonderful tonight', or if it was the 15th outfit she tried on and he just wanted to get to the party and get a drink. 🤔🎸😂

   August is almost over. Tomorrow is September 1st. Time to pick out a Halloween costume and start your Christmas shopping. Happy New Year, everybody.

   Flooding in the Carolinas is God's wrath on New York/New Jersey transplants for thinking they can assimilate with hillbillies.

   If you unfriend me and then later decide to send me another friend request, there will be a $29.99 reconnection fee.

   People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 27 dependents in.

   Don't forget to buy your Halloween candy early so you have time to buy more after you eat it all.

   I'm on my second guardian angel. My first one quit and is now in therapy.

   A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said, "Thank God for that! What are they?"

   I'm not a magician. But I once turned a back rub into a kid and a mortgage.

   Concept plan

   Black Friday special!!! Stay at home and save 100%.

   They say it's better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable, but how about a compromise like moderately rich and just moody?

   actually don’t have any problems, I only go therapy to brag

   When you die people cry and beg for you to come back. But when you do, there's the running and the screaming.

   I have nothing to say, but I will say it often and loud until I'm heard

   They warn you not to drink the battery contents because the previous generation did

   The part of my morning routine that takes the longest is deciding to get up.

   Santa has been reading your posts all year. Most of you are getting dictionaries.

   He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.

   Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties