Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't judge me by my Facebook posts. I'm much worse in real life because there's no community standards.

   Just for old times sake, I checked in on my Farmville. It's now a Wal-mart.

   WOW, This cold Medina tastes funky

   Now he's complaining about who signed deal to allow Canada to supply energy to the US - it was you, needle**** - in 2018 lmfao

   I might not be the dumbest guy in the world... (well, as long as he stays alive.)

   I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington's decision when he reached the Delaware.(too soon)?

   Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.

   I went to a store that sells classic record albums. The sign on the door said "All Sales Vinyl."

   Being single be like, "Do you want to eat this? We're just going to throw it away." (Thanks, I feel so special.)

   Why didn’t we use the Seattle Space Needle to take down the Chinese balloon?

   I've lived around the world, hold several degrees, prepared every dish from every cookbook, play many musical instruments and have been champion on several international game shows. My name is Bindair Dundat.

   My friend runs a camping shop,and between December and February he has a sale,so I made him a banner for the front of his shop, it reads "now is the winter of our discount tents"

   I was stuck for a costume. GARBAGE. That’s perfect.

   The cheapest way to fly is off the handle

   I hate it when I lose my black friend in the hood.

   And in other news, a Federal Judge has blocked the return of the astronauts to Earth.

   If you ain't vaxxed, don't be jamming up our hospitals with your dumb ass. You ride that sh*t out at home with your Hannity and your horse meds.

   I had corn flakes for dinner.

   People's driving skills got me looking both ways at green lights!

   My wife weighs a ton. She wanted to get her belly button pierced . She got a hitch.