Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone is going on about the pink moon. Somehow, they must've found out that my girlfriend bleached her butthoIe.

   What I've learned from many years of driving: People who drive faster than me are obnoxious and people who drive slower than me are stupid.

   The Bible is like a Boob Job. The book is real and the boobs are real. It's the stuff inside that's fake.

   Get my tires rotated? Uh, pretty sure they rotate while I'm driving but thanks.

   You know when a dog sticks his head out of a moving car window, bites at the air and it lpoks like fun? I tried it. It is.

   People who worry about what kind of planet we're leaving for our kids might want to consider what kind of kids we're leaving for our planet.

   You know what really burns my ass? The California wildfires.

   The reason why I talk in my sleep is because my wife doesn't give me a chance when I'm awake.

   I asked my friend to spell wonton backwards. He said not now.

   Every single time he miss steps, says something stupid, does something stupid, acts ridiculous or embarrasses himself? We're going to trash him here. Him and his ghoulish wife and creepy as F kids.

   I read somewhere that being sarcastic on a daily basis can add up to three years to your life. If that's true, I'm gonna live forever.

   IMAGINE - AN ENTIRE COUNTRY SO IGNORANT THAT THE PEOPLE WILFULLY GIVE BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN ORDER TO ELECT RICH CRIMINALS TO RULE OVER THEIR LIVES AND STEAL THEIR MONEY, BUT BELIEVE THEY ARE FREE. Lmfao

   I saw a bumper sticker that said "May life treat you the way you treat your dog" I hope no one puts me on a leash and makes me poop outside.

   There are now people who believe in the flat earth theory all around the world.

   You women may be surprised to learn, that making us men sleep on the couch isn't that bad. It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping... with a really angry bear nearby.

   Sometimes you just have to tell someone you can keep talking, but I'm going to hang up right now.

   As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking. As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

   Need Help with this one!! If I bought a balloon 5 years ago for $1, how much could I sell it for when I adjust for inflation?

   Eggs are so expensive that I am eating steak, lobster, and caviar for breakfast now.

   My body knows how old I am, but my mind refuses to believe it.