Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My "Kiss me, I'm Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog

   I finally realized it... People are prisoners of their phones. That's why they are called cell phones.

   He's never won against a man. Lolllllll

   I don't care how good looking you are if you don't have any brains." -Zombies

   Well behaved men rarely make history.

   I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it.

   To devote yourself to one man, and worshiping him like a god seems pretty...well...you know.....gay.

   I got a job at Comcast and completed training so I could fix my own cable because it was faster than being on hold with customer service. ‬

   The closest thing to a 4.0 average I ever got in college was my Blood Alcohol Content.

   Life is like peeing up a drain pipe, it all comes back to you.

   My four moods: 1. I need coffee. 2. I need a nap. 3. I need a vacation. 4. I need duct tape, rope, and a shovel.

   Kentucky Fried Tornado

   If humans are involved, the propensity for disaster exists.

   Do you suppose Ghosts believe in People??

   I just fell off a 15ft ladder getting decorations down from the attic.. good thing I was on the first step.

   With so many things coming back in style... I can't wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.

   Strangely the guy who invented the Ferris wheel and the guy who invented the Merry Go Round never met. Apparently they traveled in different circles.

   Trying to intentionally lose a game of Rock Paper Scissors is just as difficult as trying to win.

   I saw this kid dressed as Batman. He was walking around with his alive parents. What a poser.

   At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.