Funny Status Messages

   Just accidentally swiped right on my ex's profile while scrolling through Tinder. My thumb must have been possessed by the ghost of relationship past. Had to perform some emergency thumb CPR to swipe left!

   If you think a bunch of billionaires woke up one morning and decided to have your best interest at heart? You're a special ***ing kind stupid.

   I rescued a cow from a slaughterhouse today. I named it Jake from Steak Farm.

   If you're ever wondering who your real Facebook friends are. Delete your account and see who calls....

   When I Went To The Market I Saw A Lady Carrying A Baby Up Side Down

   A group of 25 people all huddled yelling You're a sheep as I walk into the store and put my mask on. And ask me for a beer as I walk out. Baaaah NOPE!

   Just when I think I'm not a very good Catholic, I remember that the previous Pope wasn't a very good Catholic either.

   BREAKING: The Edmonton Oilers just pulled an Ed the Zebra—broke loose, dodged the Florida Panthers, and soared into OT glory like they were being airlifted out of Florida.

   A fun Independence Day depends on your number of dependents.

   Relaxing, Got up at 6am. Did yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything...

   Advice: Date a woman with outstanding warrants. That way, she can't call the police on you. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   You know you are older when..you have to cross your legs to sneeze!

   How 'bout dem EGLSES!

   Don't regret past mistakes. Your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today. (Disregard this post if in prison)

   Dear Santa! I want a fat bank account and a sexy body with rock hard abs for Christmas. Let's not get those two mixed up like you did last year.

   Platypuses are the only animals that produce both eggs and milk, making them portable sources of omelets

   Marriage tip: Always let your wife know that you are all about fighting for women's rights. Especially the right to remain silent. There's no reason she needs to talk so much. It's not like appliances are voice activated.

   I'm glad McDonald's doesn't sell hotdogs. I'd feel really awkward ordering a McWeiner, and don't even get me started on Super Size.

   Whoever named it Parmesan cheese and not spaghetti confetti missed a great opportunity.

   An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.