Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dad said I would always go down in history. He was right. I also fingered a girl in geography.

   an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

   Saw a homeless guy's sign that said "ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU." So l kept my dollar... just in case he's right

   Stop selling family farms to build cheap spec home subdivisions.

   I wonder if people paying $300 for a Colon Cleanse even know about the new $4.99 Taco Bell deal?

   I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

   Kind of ironic that growing a mullet will prevent you from being a redneck!

   Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windshield

   Arguing with me is pointless, I knew I was wrong 10 minutes ago. I'm just trying to make you mad now.

   Clocks go back on November 3. I hope mine goes back to when people had morals, values, loyalty, appreciation, and respect.

   I hate when people say that the ears are their favorite part of a chocolate Easter Bunny. Gross out with all that wax and stuff, and they stink too.

   Que o medo de não dar certo não nos impeça de tentar. Vá. E se der medo, vá com medo mesmo.

   Stonehenge was just a failed Neolithic game of Jenga

   I burped & now I'm hungry. Along the same lines, I wonder if a big fart right now would make me horny.

   [during sex] me: imma turn the ceiling fan on giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo

   Here's a freebie Earthlings: treat Covid-19 as you would canine parvovirus.

   you guys ever wonder who'd win that battle of the bands thing if they took the word 'battle' seriously

   Bumped and grinded last night.....my head on bed post and my teeth

   I'd like to pretend I'm up north right now, and possess the burning desire to post: "It's snowing and it's cold!"

   I don't want to say you're unattractive, but do they have face transplants?