Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kevin Durant will still hear chants of MVP every night, they just won't be for him...

   I credit my dad for my sense of humor..... Oh,. She's funny, too?.......... Ummm,,No......

   New Neighborhood Game: Passively aggressively cut your lawn two inches shorter than your neighbors until you reach dirt.

   I'm a good person. That's why I don't talk to many people. Too good for them.

   In the 70s Volkwagen owners use to say "Home is Where The Bus Is...." But owning a old bus nowadays is more like Home Is Wherever the Bus is Broken Down.

   What if I told you everyone you know on social networking websites is me.

   Did you know that coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc, which explains why I don't really give eeffoc about many thngs until I'm finish drinking it.

   Sorry this card’s a bit late, but I guess you used to think you showed up a bit late... like bad decisions and condoms. Congrats on your new baby!

   I don't want to read it because I don't want to change the way I look at a certain someone.

   Wonder how there could be a Facebook group on Facebook calledFacebookers Anonymous which must be like trying to hold his successful AA meeting in a bar.

   UBER: Oh, we're halfway there ME: Ok, good U: Oh oh, we're living on a prayer M: What? U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand M: Oh god

   Mercury is in gatorade or whatever

   Ultimate dad move: Tattoo a saddle on their leg.

   the more things change, the more they stay the same.

   Hope all of you who received a book from me for Christmas thoroughly enjoy them! Oh and don't forget they need to be back the library by the 30th.

   Peter Griffith : Now There's a Family Guy .

   if "octo" means 8, why is October the 10th month?

   I have yet to see a clear toaster so that I can see how well my toast has been toasted... you have seen one???

   Husbands calm down are two words you should never say to your wife.

   I'm going ghost hunting. If you don't hear from me again... Try contacting me through EVP.