Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

   A vessel that didn't undergo a certification process, had issues on all of its previous dives, and was operated utilizing an aftermarket video game controller. What could possibly go wrong?

   how.... how do you get sold out... of having no mayo????

   Darn it's cold outside!.....which I just thought I'd post for those of you who haven't been outside lately.

   STACY mom, wife, teacher. Also a lying actress.

   I'm not trying to talk out of turn or anything here about the coronavirus BUT, have they tried it with a lime?

   Found a great feature Facebook's has that helps you lower your fears is about the coronavirus you can find them to settings then scrolling down to where it says log out.

   Thanks for the post!

   List ten jobs. Nine should be jobs you have actually done. One should be a lie. Let's see if people can guess the fib! My list is below: 1. Waitress 2. Bartender 3. Video Store Clerk 4. Payroll Acct 5.Factory Line Worker 6. Auto Parts Manager 7. Chef 8.

   I am so tired of this virus I'm gonna ask my wife if that offer to smack me all the way into next year is still on the table.

   Wish facebook would stop showing me dating websites as, besides the fact Iv never felt the need to use one, I don't think this would be a stella time to go out and mingle with strangers.

   Live life on your own terms. I certainly do. The terms were 0% down and a dollar a month in perpetuity. I'm only hoping I have some perp left in my tuity.

   They need to change all of the street signs on my street. It seems that stop, yield and speed limits have no effect. They should change them to “safe Drivers save 40%

   What the heck is Pizzagate? In any case it makes me hungry, I'll have mine with anchovies.

   I wish I loved anything as much as yankees love fireworks. #nojobbutcanaffordfireworks

   No thanks on the street corner baskets for Valentines Day. Just put those $10 on a chipotle card.

   Life lesson: If you run out of Vicks vapor rub, never place IcyHot in your nose in place of it or it will make you scream in pain. #thingsthatmakeyouscreaminpain

   Woke up this morning with a wine glass in my hand, Whose wine, What wine? Where the H3LL did I dine? .... Awe who cares ... it was free!

   Bet you've never been at a party the cops have shown up to where Raffi's Bananaphone was the jam playing.

   The worst part about trying to kill a fly in your house is when it starts to mock you.