Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

   This morning I removed my sleep shorts and put on my boxer shorts and then put on a pair of normal shorts. Worst short story ever...

   Rand Paul has been tested positive for Coronavirus. Yes!!!! Thank you lord! Thank you Jesus Christ!

   They say vapor-rub is good for a stomach ache.. but I think it tastes terrible.. and it gave me diarhrea...

   Being in a relationship is solving problems together; Problems you wouldn't have if you were single.

   Took some kids to Disneyland and overheard a 13 year old boy wondering if he may be pansexual since he loves skillets,” The movie "Idiocracy" had nothing on this woke society

   My home security system is a series of paintings on the wall with the eyes cut out.

   Dear God, I could have wished a happy Father's day but decided against it considering how an absent, unaring and neglecting dead-beat dad you have been. I bet Kanye West would make a better father than you.

   had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before

   You know All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.

   Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

   A vessel that didn't undergo a certification process, had issues on all of its previous dives, and was operated utilizing an aftermarket video game controller. What could possibly go wrong?

   OK, it's official. Tide Pods don't taste anywhere near as good as they look. (Don't ask me how I know this...)

   Who is Valentines? And why is my Wife talking about her a lot lately?

   My wife as not spoke to me for the past three days since our fight. That saying silence is golden is so true.

   That was terrible. For next year's INTERNATIONAL Women's Day, you should only tweet if you have at least TWO citizenships

   When my time comes, I’m going to make a death-bed vow that no grass will grow over my grave for 100 years just to see if I can pull it off.

   Switching off my mother inlaw's life support machine was very difficult. I had to fight off a doctor, a nurse and two security guards. Beeeeeeeep

   I was promised a bigger paycheck! Not in size!!!!!

   Back in our days a Teacher leaving the class for a few minutes was the original Harlem Shake