Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don't have younger siblings, you're really missing out on having an unpaid servant around you the whole time.

   I'm bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....

   I know inside me there's a skinny person wanting to get out. What bothers me is that it's the entire cast of America's Next Top Model in here.

   I’m on that ”I don’t give a F ...K diet.” I’ve lost 10 a holes already.

   [Russian class] Um, why did I fail this test? Teacher: You just wrote in English and added "ski" to the end of the words... I knowski.

   That's easy, here, hold my beer for a sec..

   making my world famous caramel onions to sit outside the door of a empty apartment so that way kids wont get pissed off at me when they bite into a onion instead of a caramel apple hehehe Happy Halloween

   I think I read somewhere that there will be no farting in heaven, but I bet it's still a really cool place ツ

   Great just great...my wife left the seat warmer on in the car now I have to walk around with swamp butt

   Relationships? No, I prefer alcohol and pizza.

   anyone else suck on a POLO mint as long as you can without breaking the circle? and then feel gutted when you do?

   does the illuminati celebrate their birthday on Facebook?

   heard the illuminati were accepting resume

   Feeling pretty bad right now for the boyfriends whose girlfriends are on their period today. #HappyValentinesDay

   It doesn't matter who wins the Presidency. The entire world's zeitgeist (the spirit of the age) is going through a tumultuous change, and no man or group possesses the power to affect it.

   I run into more potential dates at thrift stores, yard sales and estate sales than I do at the bar. In a way it kinda makes sense. I'm like a used piece of furniture from the past. I've been used but I'm still good as new.

   Almost Valentine's day. Don't worry if you've been dumped, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Just kidding, the oil spill killed them all

   One time in 6th grade me and my friend got to an Easter egg hunt early and switched all the candy in the eggs with mustard and ketchup.

   You can either be an illegal or go to college in the USA but you can't do both

   Man with Corona Virus seeks women with Lyme disease