Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Funny how children make accidents in darkness but accidents in the dark make children.

   Move heathen! Get out of my way! Move heathen! Get out of my way! - me driving down the highway in the morning

   Marriage tip #5: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex-girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she is not the only woman on the docket, and that you're a really good catch!

   Where can I go to find FBI Director Comey? Tune in this week to find out from media News!

   NEWS FLASH If you bomb your home and kill all the roaches that live there .... in the roach world you are considered a terrorist.

   What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

   where are all the supporters that say bye bye obamacare? ctfu yall quiet

   Have you ever put butter on a Poptart, it's so frigging goooood . If you haven't put butter on a Poptart, I really think you should .

   "One day, I hope to travel to Botswana to gonto school and become a success sonmy children will have it easier than I did" siad no one, ever.

   If the memo sees iys shadow today it means four more years of Trump?

   Subway Meatball Sub

   "don't put all your eggs in one basket" .....good thing we use store bags

   thinking about 2012 and what the changes could be that the Mayans predicted. Studying a crop circles and the Sumerian creation text that seemingly Christianity borrowed. So many fascinating things to think about.

   likes the Hide button so much that he is now working on one for the laundry.

   ■I'm going to protect my statuses on Christmas this year so Santa can't “know when I'm not sleeping or know when I'm awake.” Take that!

   I like Jay Sean's music. He's like Chris Brown, sans the beatings.

   If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.

   You know Law & Order is taking over the world when you see "SUV" in a headline and wonder what idiot missed a typo.

   My journey of a thousand miles began with a single step. But I had the wrong shoes on and now i've gone back a few paces.

   went to the dark side but came back cause they lied about having cookies....