Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife is mad at me because I dropped a channel in protest of the NFL. Oh I’m keeping red zone I dropped QVC

   Cable Company Rep: Okay, sir. You ordered the premium cable service, land line phone, and high speed internet. Would you like our WiFi too? Me: Oh, no. No way. Absolutely not! Cable Company Rep: Sir, I said our WiFi not our wife.

   Just watched a dog sucking on a pacifier as Twinkle Twinkle Little Star played and dont know how to feel.

   An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure so wear a mask. Benjamin Franklin,

   Have you ever put butter on a Poptart, it's so frigging goooood . If you haven't put butter on a Poptart, I really think you should .

   Autobots Roll Out, we are under attract by the evil Deltacron, leader of the Decepticons!

   I saw a Kenny Loggins "Christmas Time Is Here" CD in the discount bin. I looked at the track listing on the back and was disappointed not to see "Highway To The Manger Zone".

   2020 is rough but I think infound a way to get threw.im just gonna ask my mom if slapping me into next year is still on the table.

   Funny how children make accidents in darkness but accidents in the dark make children.

   Move heathen! Get out of my way! Move heathen! Get out of my way! - me driving down the highway in the morning

   Marriage tip #5: Every once in a while, call your wife by one of your ex-girlfriend's names. This will help her realize that she is not the only woman on the docket, and that you're a really good catch!

   Where can I go to find FBI Director Comey? Tune in this week to find out from media News!

   NEWS FLASH If you bomb your home and kill all the roaches that live there .... in the roach world you are considered a terrorist.

   What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

   where are all the supporters that say bye bye obamacare? ctfu yall quiet

   "One day, I hope to travel to Botswana to gonto school and become a success sonmy children will have it easier than I did" siad no one, ever.

   If the memo sees iys shadow today it means four more years of Trump?

   Subway Meatball Sub

   "don't put all your eggs in one basket" .....good thing we use store bags

   So cold my foot long shrunk to a 6”...I didn’t go to Subway today either.