Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you plan on meeting someone on facebook who has no pictures on their profile page. A word of caution. Better you should bury your face in Rosie O'Donnell's a$$ for 6 hours, than hook up with that monster.

   had a fight with Mister Booze,and now I'm wearing tattered shoes,♪♫ Don't mess with Mister Booze, You always loose with mister booze ,don't mess with Mister Booze♪♫

   Going to a strip club when your married is like going to mercedes dealership and not being able to to take one home.

   Guys who say MOB while they are still living with their moms mean, Mom Over B!tches.

   You may be an open book but I'm a bit more complicated than that. The inner macanations of my mind are an enigma

   I wish I had more cents, scents, or sense!

   life is a battle field and there are so many dangers, just when you think it's okay it blows up in your face..

   Am I a hypochondriac? Well, a cloud just went in front of the sun and I thought I was fainting.

   If I can't text and drive then I'll have a hard time warning my mute friends about traffic jams

   White Castle; because I like my chicken in the form of cheerio's

   I like the POTUS. Then again. Anything that has pot in I like.

   I was on the phone with Frigidaire service. I called from work. The girl insisted she needed the serial #. She was snippy. I said, "Count Chocula 666."

   My wife is mad at me because I dropped a channel in protest of the NFL. Oh I’m keeping red zone I dropped QVC

   So cold my foot long shrunk to a 6”...I didn’t go to Subway today either.

   Cable Company Rep: Okay, sir. You ordered the premium cable service, land line phone, and high speed internet. Would you like our WiFi too? Me: Oh, no. No way. Absolutely not! Cable Company Rep: Sir, I said our WiFi not our wife.

   Just watched a dog sucking on a pacifier as Twinkle Twinkle Little Star played and dont know how to feel.

   An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure so wear a mask. Benjamin Franklin,

   Autobots Roll Out, we are under attract by the evil Deltacron, leader of the Decepticons!

   I saw a Kenny Loggins "Christmas Time Is Here" CD in the discount bin. I looked at the track listing on the back and was disappointed not to see "Highway To The Manger Zone".

   2020 is rough but I think infound a way to get threw.im just gonna ask my mom if slapping me into next year is still on the table.