Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank you for all your kind messages on my birthday.....and thank you Facebook for reminding them.

   Its a little frustrating how my speakerphone literally types everything I say exclamation mark

   my girlfriend thinks I am in capable of being faithful my wife on the other hand.

   I bet Aaron Hernandez is hanging by a thread waiting on his guilty verdict.

   If anybody seen me out last night, it wasn't me...I've been hacked!

   My friend has been dieting for a month now, so far he lost 30 days..

   My dishwasher broke. Anyone knows where I should take her and get her fixed?

   After today there will be two kinds of people in this world: people who saw the eclipse, and people I want to talk to at parties @cbquist

   The best thing a guy can do with a woman who thinks he's stuck on her... is move on to the next one.

   Yeah so, the only thing I wrote on your facebook timeline was Happy Birthday!!! I put three exclamation points. What else you want?

   Alternate universe where all the nerds were bullied by the musicians in high school and the jocks protected them. That's where I live

   John travolta was Quoted today saying I hope people look back at my life someday and say at least he had many Happy Endings.

   Life throws you s%it, but the s%it is not always a bad thing, it's taking you to better places…

   These pills will make you stop being a crazy B*tch...You should take one.

   I wonder if you carpeted the sidewalks to cover all the cracks, if that would save all the mothers out there from paralyzation.

   I thought gold medal women's rowing was what happens outside pubs across Britain every Saturday night....

   believe in the magical idealism and the theory of the absolute individual

   I think I'm going to sell everyone else out,,, And be the farmer supplying Life with all these lemons everyone's talking about.

   Celebrities won't talk to me. Now what am I suppose to do on Twitter?

   I am so lazy that I legitimately get angry when I have to change from the alphabet to numbers to symbol keyboards when typing a tweet