Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You look like the kind of girl that gets her sex tips from a grocery store tabloid.

   Charlie Sheern has all this "tiger" blood I guess its only fair Tiger has a little "Charlie" blood.

   I'm not musically inclined so I orchestrate robberies.

   everyone is making a big deal about seeing an eclipse...haven't they sat down in a movie theater before?

   Fun fact: in 1930 Ruth Wakenfield invented the chocolate chip/tall house cookie by accident.

   I've come up with I sure-fire money-making product. Glow in the dark sunglasses.

   Witchcraft is when your boyfriend uses different condom flavour's on every round 🍎🍆🍇🍓🍒🍐🍉🍍 you go home smelling like fruit salad.

   Why do ugly strippers charge as much as the pretty ones?

   A woman's marriage proposal........ I'm pregnant

   "Just rewards: Being the judge that willbe judging a hearing of your high school bully."

   Are conjoined twin girls joined at the hip called hipsters?

   I had to quit drinking caffeine on DOCTOR'S orders and Alcohol on COURT orders.

   Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

   Please don't Facebook and drive! And if you have to update your status just do like I do and pull over to the side of the road, which is where I've been sitting since ever since I signed up with Facebook in 2014.

   What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski m

   Having one of those awkward moments when you're not looking at Facebook and you're crazy Facebook stalker finds you on YouTube :/

   Now that it's New Year's eve I expect big big changes tomorrow!

   With a self driving truck on the way, eventually there will a Country and Western song about it leaving you too.

   Anyone remember a time before Facebook when you how to get your selfies developed then go around to all your friends houses to see if they liked them? Yeah neither do I.

   I have a hug for whoever needs one....um I mean virtual hug as I'm practice the 6 foot rule.