Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ometimes I crash parties in a swimsuit, and tell people I'm a Reverse Lifeguard keeping an eye on the land.

   Me: Honey, have you seen my beer? Wife: Did you check in the shower? Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

   The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

   Me: This spaghetti is spicy. Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

   if dogs could text back they'd call

   I was driving down the road this morning and swerved to avoid a banana peel. See mom me playing Mario Kart in my room all day when I was younger paid off.

   If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet ?

   I'l have to be a trombone donor. I'm all out of organs.

   When my Bank Balance Depresses me, I Look at my Email Spam Folder to check the Nigerian Prince Million Dollars I have been left behind

   While thinking of revenge two sayings came to mind: " revenge is a dish best served cold" and "revenge is sweet". I therefore came to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.

   it me or people who moved to a warmer weather have nothin to say on their post expect weather??

   A plumber's job can draining.

   When we go shopping, my wife thinks that I am bored because I constantly keep looking at my phone

   How can one know what someone is doing when that someone does not know what they're doing

   Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

   Please don't Facebook and drive! And if you have to update your status just do like I do and pull over to the side of the road, which is where I've been sitting since ever since I signed up with Facebook in 2014.

   What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski m

   Having one of those awkward moments when you're not looking at Facebook and you're crazy Facebook stalker finds you on YouTube :/

   Now that it's New Year's eve I expect big big changes tomorrow!

   With a self driving truck on the way, eventually there will a Country and Western song about it leaving you too.