Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.

   When I was a kid, people often said that I was the "little engine that could." Turns out that I'm the "big old caboose that couldn't."

   Awwe darn it ...... I thought the election was today!

   If you paid to watch the Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar WWE fight ... GET A REFUND !

   I must be emotionally impotent, I haven't given a f**k in months

   So where did all those sapiosexuals disappear to ? Or was it a phase ?

   Apparently my snoring is louder than my cars sound system .

   I'm going to an all white New Year's Eve party and I have nothing to wear

   The opossum, skunk, squirrel and groundhog saw their shadows today, but didn't see the .🚚 that smashed them on the highway

   I come from a long line of men who will happily answer to a name that is not their own, which may or may not sound vaguely similar to it.

   I know I would be an awesome Olympics commentator because I'm good at pointing and saying, "You can tell she wants it bad."

   If you're a man and you post pics of nothing but cute little kittens on your Facebook timeline, effective immediately according to section 19 article 3 'YOU MUST turn in your MAN card!'.

   if dogs could text back they'd call

   I was driving down the road this morning and swerved to avoid a banana peel. See mom me playing Mario Kart in my room all day when I was younger paid off.

   If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet ?

   I'l have to be a trombone donor. I'm all out of organs.

   When my Bank Balance Depresses me, I Look at my Email Spam Folder to check the Nigerian Prince Million Dollars I have been left behind

   While thinking of revenge two sayings came to mind: " revenge is a dish best served cold" and "revenge is sweet". I therefore came to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.

   it me or people who moved to a warmer weather have nothin to say on their post expect weather??

   A plumber's job can draining.