Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   what's for dinner

   Why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? Because 711492!!

   I remember when "the RAM in your computer" referred to literal rams, with horns, who turned the giant wheel that powered our electronics.

   wishes that OJ would have caught my ex wife eating Nicoles beaver instead of Ron Goldman

   Country music backwards . He gets his truck , his house and his dog back .

   Why is it when I misplace my cell phone it set on silent

   Vodka is practically a health drink. That is if you call it potato juice.

   Cheesy pick up line for the weekend: "Well, your here so I got my treat.How about we go to my place for some tricks?"

   If your stepbrother is gay does that make him your half sister ?

   Going to MacDonalds for a Salad is like going to a crack house for vitamins

   said to an ugly chick he wanted to give her ONE. ''I wouldnt touch you she said. ''I wouldnt touch you either'' I said, I was rating you out of TEN''

   about to put a broom stick in your turd cutter

   put your hands in da air and wave 'em like you just don't care 'cause it's Friday!

   My friend told me Alan Rickman had died. I said "You're joking?". She replied "Nope. Dead Sirius."

   In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

   Damn Yankies and their football. Who plays football using hands anyways? Girls maybe.

   Did any of you get nominated for an Oscar? Me neither. Apparently you have to be in a movie to get nominated, which I think is unfair.

   If batman and catwoman had a kid it would be batcat or the "less popular" manwoman.

   A stranger accidentally touched my arm today and now I have to get drunk to forget about it.

   When girls get mad, they cry to their friends. We go cuss people out on Xbox.