Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the epitome of excellence.

   Stuck on Band-Aid brand cause Band-Aid Stuck on me.

   Likes to dress like a gangster, drop my pants low, throw the ray bans on, have my face screw, and sing the hyms of the church while walking past ppl in grocery stores jut to freak ppl out kml

   Say alpha...Kenny...body... now say it all together and fast!! OMG! Ur disgusting!

   Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box? A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, � ��Lie to me!'

   i got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes, hate in my heart, love in my mind

   Yeah, let me get this right, a guy name Samson gets his super strength from his hair? Is this what rational people actually believe? Sounds like a bad hollywood movie idea with Michael Bay production values.

   he can't pull a rabbit from a hat , but he can pull a hare from his hole

   I'm sorry, I didn't hear my phone ring. Your profile pic is too loud!

   My iPhone is currently updating so I have to tweet from my computer like some Ethiopian kid.

   You're so ugly Hello Kitty said goodbye to you

   Jons Memorial Day Advice. Don't forget! • Burgers • Beer • Sun screen • Toothpaste • Cheese • Hot dog buns • 9/11 • The Alamo • Dre

   Manicure might have the word "Man" in it, but if you get one, you're gay.

   I don't know why my grandmother has a Facebook cause all her friends are Dead

   If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?....

   The only kind of meat a priest can eat on Good Friday is Nun.

   I put in an URGENT REQUEST to Santa last night for a mirror so you can locate that STICK that's UP YOUR @$S and REMOVE IT!!

   Be right back, I'm gonna go pet that dog. Me, drunk, about to get butted by a goat. 🐐

   fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss

   FRIEND: Why do you spend so much time on Facebook? ME: I have serious digestive issues. I spend a lot of time on the toilet.