Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can feel guilty about the past, apprehensive about the future, but only in the present can I act!

   I'll tell you something about Lapinski. When she gets a gas bill, she writes all over it with a thick black felt tip, THIS DOES NOT EXIST, and sends it to the gas board

   Us women are stupid. We b*tch moan and yell about something not done by someone else but by the time we get done complaining we couldve done it ourselves..I'm a woman and I will never understand us

   using reverse psychology for the New Year. Since wishing people a “Happy New Year” has not brought people much luck throughout the years, she has decided to turn their luck around and wish them a bad New Year so……Have a bad New Year everyone!!!

   im on the road to riches with jus a lil bit of traffic..

   dressed up as the Grim Reaper and gone back and forth through the emergency room.

   I've discovered the 8th Wonder Of The World. There are no hot women in Minnesota.

   I am not a Jesus so don't expect miracles from me dammit.

   Got the shivers while peeing.....thank goodness for decorative towels.

   How ironic is it, that when Smokey the Bear dies, he wants to be cremated.

   I thought of quitting smoking. But all those smoke rings I make from cigarette puffs are so adorable!

   Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind person? Leave the plunger in the toilet...

   Breaking news: Colorado will soon be re-named Little Amsterdam and will host Cheech and Chong Headquarters. Also there will be a state Bong: Chong's Bongs! that is all!

   when I'm with you I hate you but when I'm not with you I miss you

   Hey ACCESS. the GO DADDY commercial may have made last place for likes and it was inappropriate for family viewing and was outright disturbing...way to go GO DADDY, it was the most successful add, most talked about!

   In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.

   At least people from the Southvdidnt have to name it a 'Superstorm.'

   Dear cars that have an Automatic start engine button please don't do it around me sincerely someone who thought you where a Transformer

   I recently had a bad break up with Mari Juana. I am going to miss her.

   When they report your photo to Facebook, and Facebook tells them your photo does not violates any rules. ;)