Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He's never gonna give you Up.

   Two peanuts are walking down the street, and one is assaulted...

   wonders if anyone sees the irony of Goodyear providing the official arial coverage of the olympic games when they are a tire company...

   and, finally, what do you call a deer with no eyes? I-Have-No-I-Deer!

   Ahh Bud light the sweet lower calorie nectar made by mother nature

   What does a woman's arse and mouth have in common? Both are fun to put a c*ck in but nothing but sh*t comes out of them both

   Oh I'm sorry, does my repeat check ins at the gym remind you of how lazy you are?

   I don't like the term An@l Bleaching. I prefer "Changing your Ring Tone."

   If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

   Never make snow angels in a dog park.

   FML- facebook is my life

   did you know that the following first letter of the months: july, august, sept, oct, and nov. it spells out "JASON" ?

   Do you know why they call it PMS? Because Mad Cow Disease was taken.

   People are often worried about the mafia, but I think it's Justin Beiber we should be worried about. Get on Beibers bad side and he can send tens of thousends of angry young girls over to your house to totally kick your butt! Beib's the new John Gotti.

   How do you know the Native Indians invented the toothbrush ?..Because if the white man did it would have been called the teethbrush..

   Oh great, the Dow Jones is dropping faster than Melania's panties at a photoshoot.

   No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

   I dont know why soo many people are against gay couples adopting children. According to the"babble" Jesus had two dads and he turned out okay.....

   HOME ALONE! :( .... I started a fire in the kitchen by making a bowl of coco-pops (long story)....i had a panic attack so I called the fire brigade and they got mad at me because they said that the fire was only a little bit of milk on the kitchen floor..

   it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?