Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Recent reports indicate MuhamedBob FlarePants was both lonely and depressed. Do you mean all we have to end the war on terror is to prescribe them Prozac and give them a puppy?

   there an "Kentuky chicken bucket challenge" for funds against morbid obesity? If so, I'm in!!!!

   ..... The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

   US Surpreme Court Justice Scalia is dead, I certainly hope Obama nominates a Kardashian to the Supreme Court.

   ... Woke up this morning and found a lump on my breast ..... was relieved to find out it's not cancerious .... Just my boyfriend refusing to let go!

   If I owned a gun I'd probably get curious to see how it feels and shoot myself, and that's why I don't have a gun.

   You should be with your best friend. If you can't send them hilarious pictures of your poop, it's just not going to work out.

   When the power goes out in WV...2% of the time a transformer has blown....18% of the time a tree has fell on the line...80% of the time someone wrecked into a Utility Pole.

   You know those people that put a basket on their bike for their dog to ride along? Same but for tequila bottles

   I may not be great in bed, but I should at least get a participation medal after sex.

   The suicide bomber was an outgoing person? More like an inside-out going person.

   pulled my groin playing reindeer games!

   So I already have ADHD but I'm thinking on upgrading to ADHD 4K - it will be even more clear that I'm not paying attention to stuff

   Some things need no improving, three stooges for instsn

   I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm good once as I ever was.

   I resolve not to swim in any swimming pool without water.

   They should of put Justn Bieber in Rikers Island prison with lifers.

   i tell the girl at el charros I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all

   A sad day I knew would come: Not only can he not drive 55, Sammy Hagar prefers to stay below 45 and won't get out of the passing lane.

   How do you honestly expect to make it in this cutthroat world carrying a useless brain like yours?