Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Only had to turn my clock back one hour instead of 20 years like I did last January

   WOOHOO! Passed my AIDS test! Got a 74%!

   Thinks......I'd rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fat girl sitting down crying

   Joan Rivers RIP. Its a big co-incidence it happened soon after your stark remarks about Gaza. God watches everything. Take a hint atheists

   Here's a gross thought: what if you thought you were having diarrhea, but you looked down and saw the toilet filled with dead spiders?

   Lady GaGa just signed a deal with a major corporation to represent her new clothing line. Hillshire Farms.

   Am I the only one that uses the calculator on a cellphone to find out the best deal on beer by calculating the "cost/per ounce" ratio?

   School dress code is so dumb. Your shoulder can't show??? What boy is going to look at a girl and be like "DAMN THAT’S A FINE ASS SHOULDER!"

   Hey you know those Whitman's Samplers? I had a candy out of one called a Chocolate Truffle". I really dug the sample. So like, where do I get the big fu*ker?

   She puts the 'ass' in Picasso!

   When you can't be a good example, at least serve as a horrible warning

   When did love ever adopt a religion? When did hearts think and not feel? We made of them a path of pain, when they should be a way to heal.

   Lance, Neil and now, Billie Joe!! Watch out Stretch!!!

   Because I'm a rule-breaker, I'm going to wear white after Labor Day! What!? You got something to say about it, punk??!

   my wife told me to dress nice. I laughed and said "we are going to walmart not church."

   I tell you what, if any french publication decides to publish topless pictures of me someone will definitely be getting their @ss sued!

   I found the pot at the end of the rainbow....I smoked it.

   ...“I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35% Thursday, 4% Friday”...

   it true that ADHD came from some bored guy that screwed a monkey from the 70's?

   I bet Stevie Wonder's wife didn't see that divorce coming...