Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   now friends with Mili Vanilli

   No one WANTS to name one thing Obama has done to make our lives better.

   “Ever tried to push a piece of wood underwater?” - Mary telling her girlfriends about how she washes Jesus.

   ROTFLMAOASTC

   A report says Fred Flintstone forced a 16-year-old girl into having sex with him and Barney Rubble......

   You don't need to attend every argument you are invited to...

   Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

   I've beaten my addiction to Heroin, so Yay for eating soup with spoons again

   have you every noticed that the constitution has been amended 27 time in the last 200 years...... Except for that 2nd rule which everyone defends but nobody follows responsibly!

   Jon & Kate's marital counselor.

   Was Nelson Mandela the driver of Paul Walker's car?

   Why is it that a dog can smell a hamburger from a mile away but has to get within a 1/2 an inch to smell another dog's butthole?

   They should make an alarm clock that plays the sound of my dog about to throw up.

   I wonder if I have ever bought milk from the same cow twice?

   Nothing says Christmas in the South like cranking up the air conditioner while waiting for the tornado warning. . .

   YouTube video: "How to stop procrastinating." Me: [Add to Watch Later]

   Wouldn't it be funny to secretly place a sex toy in someone else's yard sale then stand back and watch the reactions.

   Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit!"

   If we make impeachment pay-per-view, we can clear the entire national debt.

   When these kids were saying on November 4th they were gonna be killing Nazis, were they talking about the new Call of Duty?