Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The SCHOOL part of school sucks. I just like the social part.

   I had excellent grilled chicken for dinner that I'm actually enjoying the taste of my burps.

   "Sorry user has too many friend requests" - every stalker's frustration!

   trying to get in touch with his feminine side, a friend of mine bought a book called "How to Hug". Little did he know that it was actually the 9th volume of the encyclopedia!

   Not So Good Pick-up Line #7: Girl, your dad must be a lobster… because all your meat is in the tail!

   if god invented somethign better than kfc and coffee, he must of kept it to himself.

   Now I heard women have like a sixth sense to tell what a guy is thinking about..And I wanna see if its true...So what am I thinking abou tright now??...(. )( .)...Give up??

   hears....Amy has now joined Betty Ford in her clinic...w​ait...It's​ been relocated.

   been to the same shop every week for the last year just to buy Milk. Now I have 52 copies and I wouldn't even call myself a Sean Penn fan.

   Microsoft and Nokia teamed up to start developing smart phones. Isn't Nokia still making brick cell phones with snake on them?

   She said all she wanted for valentines day was a little kiss, man is she going to be shocked when she sees the midget drinking Dr. Deeper in our living room!!!

   Veni, vidi, vici- I came I saw I conquered ~~ Julius Caesar. Vidi, Vici, Veni - I saw, I conquered, I came! ~~ Some single dude

   Tiger Woods fired his caddie today. I guess he'll have to wash his own balls and polish his own putter now.

   people say "when pigs fly" but dont police have police helicopters...pigs are already flying

   Walking with 3 people on the sidewalk, and ending up in the back behind them.

   Ladies: If a guy is willing to risk his manhood by entering one of those girly shops just to buy you a present, marry him right away.

   I just save a ton of money on my 2013 car insurance by converting to Mayan

   Don't take what life gives you and frown, take what life gives you and smile because you know you can make the best of it.

   Am I the only person who does this? I'm always walking into my bathroom and finding the light still left on from earlier in the day, n yet I still grab the cord n switch the light off & on again!!

   when your stomach hangs down past your crotch...its time to stop eating unless you like the "i have no waist or hips" look