Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Microsoft and Nokia teamed up to start developing smart phones. Isn't Nokia still making brick cell phones with snake on them?

   She said all she wanted for valentines day was a little kiss, man is she going to be shocked when she sees the midget drinking Dr. Deeper in our living room!!!

   Veni, vidi, vici- I came I saw I conquered ~~ Julius Caesar. Vidi, Vici, Veni - I saw, I conquered, I came! ~~ Some single dude

   Tiger Woods fired his caddie today. I guess he'll have to wash his own balls and polish his own putter now.

   people say "when pigs fly" but dont police have police helicopters...pigs are already flying

   Walking with 3 people on the sidewalk, and ending up in the back behind them.

   Ladies: If a guy is willing to risk his manhood by entering one of those girly shops just to buy you a present, marry him right away.

   I just save a ton of money on my 2013 car insurance by converting to Mayan

   Don't take what life gives you and frown, take what life gives you and smile because you know you can make the best of it.

   Am I the only person who does this? I'm always walking into my bathroom and finding the light still left on from earlier in the day, n yet I still grab the cord n switch the light off & on again!!

   when your stomach hangs down past your crotch...its time to stop eating unless you like the "i have no waist or hips" look

   its hard not to notice that a woman's "I'll be ready in 5 minutes" and a man's "I'll be home in 5 minutes" are exactly the same!

   How dare you POKE me and not stick around to cuddle... Does this mean we're allowed to POKE around?

   I hate it when Facebook doesn't trust me when sending out a friend request.

   What is air is actually poisonous and it just takes 80 years to kills us.

   The first rule of ADHD club..WOAH, POPTART! KITTY CAT!.. I want Mexican food... How's everyone doing today?

   I'll cuddle or spoon with you, but I'm not gonna promise or guarantee that I won't get an erection.

   Manny Pacquiao should audition to play the Dead Body on The First 48..

   Sometimes in life all you need is a Wi-Fi, an iMac and a cup of coffee.

   I'll never be able to run for President because of what I did for a Klondike Bar.