Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Flynn has agreed to testify in exchange for immunity. "Can someone please offer me a deal?" responds Melania Trump.

   Valentine's Day. The one day out of the year the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.

   Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century. They’re millennial falcons.

   Butt stuff? God no. I'm a proper lady, and only use my butt hole for smuggling drugs.

   I need ID to buy a case of coke now. Interesting....

   Having some memory problems? Should we call for a doctor?

   Some images contained herein may not be appropriate for all ages. Viewer discretion advised.

   Stop telling me where you like to put your handbag!!! (although I am not sure what your handbag has to do with your breasts unless you say you rest it on your chest ...).

   I think my cat wanna play hide n seek, thing is I always win when I shake a bag of cat food

   I have a chef and a dentist here. You realize what this means right? We can finally clear up the confusion over the origin of tartar sauce!

   Was once told that you will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one...by the time I realized it was a figure of speech... She had already hit the ground.

   THE lOHANS ARE BETTER THAN ANY FAKE REALLITY SHOW!!

   not a PC and your commercials are getting on my nerves.

   As I sit I wonder is it illegal to park in a handicapped bathroom stahl?

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn't met me yet.

   a confused vas deferens, it doesnt know if its coming or going...

   saw his shadow today! Not really sure what this could mean as far as the duration of winter goes...but very excited about the possibilities. :)

   Our government is now blue/yellow. A bit like Ikea, except things from Ikea generally last 5 years

   So former NFL quarterback Brett Favre admitted this week that he suffers from memory loss. This might explain why he may have sent pictures and lewd texts to reporter Jen Sterger when he played for the Jets, he forgot he was married!

   So UM versus FSU game is on tonight....who cares...Im still rooting for the Referee and there stupid calls!! Team Referee...REFs 31 stupid calls to 3 right calls!