Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Breaking Bad brought to you by Nationwide Insurance. Because you never know when Walter White is going to take you out...

   JAB: I woke up all excited this morning, got dressed to go to work,it's Friday: Pay day and than I realized, I don't have a job and went back to bed. . .

   Thinking that girl was special, then you realized that she's like that with everyone.

   Economists do it with models

   I Left Bread Crumbs Behind So I'll Never Forget Where I Came From.

   Watching a good movie but doesn't know why people put sex on DVDs

   A*s....its the theme of the day! I feel like it, look like it, hopefully don't smell like it and probably am one!

   Figuring out a waman's age by checking out her friends list

   A villain is feared in proportion to the quality of his henchmen.

   By the time you recognize the opening drums from "Superstition" on my spacious dance floor, you're already pregnant.

   I don't want to brag but if kissing was a city, I would be its mayor.

   Larry Page : So we need cellphones? Go buy Motorola. Secretary : Ok (10 mins later) Secretary : Bought it. Larry : ok...which model ? ......Secretary : Model ?

   You're the best part of my day

   just bought a toilet brush, gee that thing hurts so I'll just stick with the toilet paper

   Now you no longer need a vision exam at the DMV.......Now EVERY oreintal person will be behind the wheel !!! SMH

   The heart is a msucle. What do muscles do when they are torn? Brow back stronger

   I can't go to Hell, Satan still has that restraining order against me.

   Boy: did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Girl: B!tch I crawled out of hell!!!

   Swagging on a million tissue boxes

   i think we should go to Zuccoti Park in the morning to record how the cops are gonna mistreat the protester!!!!