Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the amount of times ones mother enters the room whilst one is watching a movie is equally proportional to the amount of times that a "s*x scene" appears in the movie, and so it seems!

   Old Bay, A1, and hot sauce. That's my "I Put That S**T on everything" list.

   You only think I'm engaged in ur pathetic life story, om really wondering if monkey nipp!es get hard when theyre cold

   B: "I'm so mad at you." Me: "Why? I've only been awake 15 seconds." B: "A girl in my dream was flirting with you!" Me: "I'm sorry that a fictional girl flirted with me. Was she blonde? I like blondes." B: "You should give up talking for lent."

   Couldn't eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.

   You're thin, entertaining, I love staying up all night with you and falling asleep by your side. I love you laptop.

   Heaven is a bottle of Jack Daniel's.

   I'm not sure where I went wrong officer. I was only taught "left and right." Is there a blinker thing on here for wrong turns?

   Why can't happiness be as contagious as the flu. "Sorry, I can't come into work today, I have a bad case of 'the happiness'."

   GIRL: "You give me butterflies" BOY: "You give me b0ners"

   I don't know why Sluts have a hard time Saying "No". They heard the word "No" everytime they asked their Dads for a hug.

   If the fate of humanity ever rests on me filling out an online survey, we're pretty much doomed.

   Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

   If you're ugly and you know it, put some makeup on, take a picture and add some Instagram filters and you're good to go.

   So, the Pope is resigning, eh? Perhaps I shouldn't have poked him so many times....but, in fairness - HE started that poke war to begin with.

   hope everyone had a great valentines day...and for those who didnt celebrate hope you guys had a good alentine ay......since you didnt get neither the "V" or the "D"....

   "Excuse me sir. Have you seem my pants?"

   Today a great American died one who did extensive research in the gag reflex for year, RIP Harry Reems

   Spring has sprung!! How do I know you may ask??? Well I am seeing more and more muffin tops the mandals are back and socks with crocs are on the rise!!!

   Women are like maths. As soon as you think you've finally figured it out, something harder and more confusing comes along.