Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A moped is basically just a motorized key to every girl's heart locket.

   Guy's lame excuse for not hanging out #473: I have to help my friend change his car oil

   The first rule of the Pizza Club is there are no rules. I mean pineapple, there is no pineapple.

   Turns our Superman is fine with kryptonite, he's actually allergic to peanuts.

   Turns out Superman is fine with kryptonite, he's actually allergic to peanuts.

   It's HARD being this creepy.

   At first I thought it said, "Kourtney Kardashian takes a dump on Scott Disick" which would make much more sense.

   I'm living in a drama-free bubble today.

   As others prepare for another exciting college school year. I prepare myself for another 40 hour work week.

   Monday... that better not be your ugly ass I see peeking around the corner!

   I call bravo Sierra on distance makes the heart grow fonder. Distance makes you have to do dishes and cook and stuff.

   A home invasion but it's just you staggering in drunk at 4AM because you can't find your keys

   This year I failed at the resolution to not procrastinate so much and I have about 11 hours and 45 minutes to make good on the rest of my 2015 resolutions!

   What's the appropriate reply when your ex calls you and says a bunch of sh*t you didn't really listen to?

   Im a grown man and I just put a bread tie back on! What does that mean!!?

   Nice throw Peyton

   And some life's are not meant for happy endings!

   AUTOCORRECT, but for making boring jokes funny.

   A look back on Facebook: 4,500,000,000 BC - 2005 AD .... cricket, cricket, cricket. 2005-2014 "Hey everyone! Look at what I had for dinner!

   And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger(anchor man roast)