Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "420 is to the marijuana industry, what valentine's day is to the flower business

   Kim Jong Un took a port a potty with him on his trip to Soth Korea because he was afraid foreign spies may want to steal his poop.

   I was once in a band called Click Bait. You won't believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

   . When Chewbacca needs to go does he use a toilet, or dose Han Solo take him for a walk?

   Where do babies like to go for lunch....... Hooters

   "I didn't tell you I was on my period because I didn't want it to stop you from coming thru" - SELFISH WOMEN

   Well!..my survival talk to a group of backpackers went very well last night!..they were all on the edge of their seats!

   new band idea: nippleback

   Sept.29 Nickelodeon (kids tv channel) world wide day of play. Turn the kids TV off and send them outside to play.

   before you know it, Amazon workers will be making Prime money

   I'm trying to get my MIL to go ice fishing before the ice get too thick.

   peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

   We went to buy a Christmas tree last night. It's supposed to be fun, right? At the end of the night I was so crazy I put the tree in the backseat of the car and strapped my kid to the roof.

   there anything worse than getting interrupted during sex? Especially when you were about to achieve your big O.

   ah nuts, I accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

   Ok, I'm a Boomer. But not a Campbell's Cream of Mushroom soup with cubed white meat chicken casserole Boomer.

   New Year, New Me Yeah, Right Moment: I thought I'd start wearing glasses to appear somewhat intellectual. No one's buying it though. They all say the same thing, "Uh sir, there's no glass in those frames."

   Don't forget that Saturday, February 29th is Leap Day just in case Daylight Saving Time didn't throw you off enough.

   Hello...?!?!?! Has anyone on FB noticed my desperate pleas for help and attention?! ...Anyone at all?!

   I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.