Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Good cooks don’t bake pies that taste like scented candles. cc: Darlene Van Der Pooten 
Just for the record: If your single and planning on asking me out this close to Christmas the only thing you'll be getting from me is a book, which will be do back at the libary just after the new years.
There's something just really wrong about 2 for the price of 1 Valinetimes day cards that say "Nobody makes me smile like you do" :(
Lets be honest and Like this status if your like me and play with the words you post like a can of Campbell's alphabet soup.
Lies Told A Lot: "I didn't know anything." -Joe Paterno
I've been calling him Drape this whole time. Now I hear the k. Drake. Got it. Not Drape.
Pastor Steven Anderson needs so much Botox on his frowning forehead, even his god can't help him.
Gary Glitter failed his driving test...he did too many minors.
,Random is random. I do not know what random means. If your teacher asks you what is random, tell her random is random when it is random into random and random with bananas.
I'm so high,I'm jamming with Hendrix and Prince .
My girl has the crabs, I suggested fishnet stockings.
Why is it friggen up if you put in a twitter neam
Dammit .... I already broke my New Years Resolution
Sorry Boss, I can't work I've got too much on my plate right now. You'll have to ask someone else. *Googles 'do koalas go to heaven'*
I can't believe it's not February 29! What happened to February 29!?
If any toys in Toy story died the kids would keep playing with them but the other toys would be playing with their dead friends.......creepy
Probably the coolest thing about dating me is knowing if we have sex I'll recite Wikipedia pages to help educate you.
"Did you know you can make any quote seem legit if you put a famous person's name at the end?"-George Washington
BLOCK ME & best believe I’m downloading that text free app. We ain’t done yet.
In the summer it was to hot outside now it's to cold outside to take the Christmas lights down. 