Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let me know when these lame american football jokes are over. Soccer > American Football.

   in a relationship with Farrah. X changed his relationship status to "complicated

   wants to be carried bathed and shampooed. Like a princess or a quadriplegic :-/

   Just Saw A Baby Wearing A Shirt That Says, "Not Everything Stays In Vegas."....

   its football season...detroit lions, cleveland tigers, & chicago bears...oh my

   Sitting on an active subwoofer is the closest I will ever get to any form of anal sex.

   If you guys don't start telling me when my status updates don't make sense... I'm gonna start matriculating bananas to the chimney of the coral reef.

   The earth was made from God's recipe so its only fair that he takes responsibility for everything that is wrong with it. Blame the chef.

   It took 3 amigos and a Mexican village to take care of El Guapo...Donald Trump has zero Amigos, advantage El Chapo!

   Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

   ... Not all fairy tales start with "Once upon a time." Some start with "If I am elected president."

   The problem with talking to people on the phone is that they expect you to pay attention.

   if I had to have both my arms amputated I'd just shrug it off.

   whats an old man smell like?..... Depends

   What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

   if you are over weight and have trouble going up stairs, put a biscuit on each step!!

   A fool proof way to find out if a girl likes ya... ring her up at 3am whilst she's asleep. If she texts you the day after and she includes LOL twice.... you've pulled.

   If you Spend more time with your boys than you do with your girlfriend.YOU GAY!

   Tim Tebow may love Jesus, but it's pretty apparent that Jesus is NOT a Tebow fan.

   just named the skidmarks in my underware"Maria"!.Its kinda like diahrea,but its dried up and the same old crap!