Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you guys don't start telling me when my status updates don't make sense... I'm gonna start matriculating bananas to the chimney of the coral reef.

   The earth was made from God's recipe so its only fair that he takes responsibility for everything that is wrong with it. Blame the chef.

   It took 3 amigos and a Mexican village to take care of El Guapo...Donald Trump has zero Amigos, advantage El Chapo!

   Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

   The problem with talking to people on the phone is that they expect you to pay attention.

   ... Not all fairy tales start with "Once upon a time." Some start with "If I am elected president."

   if I had to have both my arms amputated I'd just shrug it off.

   whats an old man smell like?..... Depends

   What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

   if you are over weight and have trouble going up stairs, put a biscuit on each step!!

   A fool proof way to find out if a girl likes ya... ring her up at 3am whilst she's asleep. If she texts you the day after and she includes LOL twice.... you've pulled.

   If you Spend more time with your boys than you do with your girlfriend.YOU GAY!

   Tim Tebow may love Jesus, but it's pretty apparent that Jesus is NOT a Tebow fan.

   just named the skidmarks in my underware"Maria"!.Its kinda like diahrea,but its dried up and the same old crap!

   Hey, did you have a good time last night? It was Smurf-tacular! Yeah, I saw you leave with Smurfette. As we got out of the bar, she started smurfing me. Shut the Smurf up! Yeah! Right in the Smurfing parking lot? Smurf-Yeah! Oh! That is freaking Smurf

   I'm so drunk I could watch Fox News.

   Why do we close our eyes when we pray, cry, kiss or dream? Because the most beautiful things in life are not seen but felt by the heart.

   Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

   gotta feeling tonight's gonna be a good night.

   looking for a sports channel that shows the football world cup.,, all is see is soccer match!?