Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Epic Fail # ur on a date and think you guys are having a moment and move in for the kiss and all you here from here mouth is...what are you doing?...lol

   Black folks always run outta Gas because "E" means "Enough" to us.

   Your parents ask you to do something and you tell them you'll do it in ten minutes but you never do it.....

   When I bite into a Peppermint Patty..I get the sensation in my nipples and they point due south

   Fantastic. I just took the wrong cold and sinus pill. How did I notice, you ask? I nearly banged my head against the desk.

   Gay and Lesbo have sudenly become cool words since they are now "officially" endorsed by the President

   Drinking and driving is twice the fun in the snow

   Am I the only one who wants to have a heart attack when they hear people making that irritating throat scratch sound in their throats.?

   I borrowed my friend a tenner yesterday. This morning I found pictures of myself on the frontpage of most national newspaper with the following headline 'UK's third biggest lender'!

   I accidentally spilled Spot Remover on my dog... now he's gone :)

   I just met a girl who was so hott she doesnt even poop!

   Bet if donnie knew how to use the record feature on his phone. He would be recording too.

   “Catch me outside, how about that?

   National debt top $22 Trillion for the first time in US history! Recession, here we come! So much winning!

   Columbia House called, You still have to buy 4 LP’s at regular price.

   the news asks why people would join IS? one word - obama

   So I was in the pool and a woman walked by and said, "I see you like playing with things that are round and buoyant." I said, "Not necessarily, I couldn't find a float." She said, "I was talking to the beach ball."

   Dear 2016, for the love of all that's holy... Please take Donald Trump too..

   This pollen got me feeling like George Floyd.

   Yeah the israelis want peace alright...a piece of more land.