Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can't be hot when you're asleep, especially when you're in a deep sleeping having a dream about making love to a Snowman!

   Let the fireworks begin!!!

   I like calling the man who kidnapped me and raised me my faux pa

   It sucks that Saturday is so close to Monday. But Monday is far away from Saturday.

   Well then you'll never be the girl your father is.

   I can tell how spicy a dish is just by tasting it...

   I keep putting things in the wrong containers in the kitchen. I don't think it's Alzheimers. That's a different kettle of fish...

   Surprise sex is the best way to wake up... unless you're in prison

   Marrying your high school sweetheart is gross.

   Ladies, if you ask a man to do something he'll do it. You don't have to keep reminding him every six months.

   God has send us all in pairs…someone…somewhere is made for u…so wait for the right time n right moment.

   You can't be poor and ugly. Choose one struggle.

   have you ever stood in front of the mirror and said to yourself "who the hell is this person? and then suddenly realize you're standing in front of a coffee shop window staring at a cop...

   Curiosity left earth so long ago it's using a Polaroid...

   "I love it when you rub your happiness in my face & facebook" said no one ever.

   fall in love with a person for their brains and not their looks. Eh, save that sh!t for ugly people

   For those visiting NY city. Please considerate to respect those that live/work there and remember that all streets are currently considered a NO WAKE zone.

   The Long Island Medium shoulda been able to find victims of Sandy way easier than the corpse sniffin dogs

   I told her dried semen was a lot easier to get out than fresh but she still wanted a towel...well I guess it was in her eyes.

   True Story: Seeing a car set on fire with no doors at 12 midnight outside your miami house window is a sure sign KuKluxKlan has been doing some recruiting.