Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   heard Tiger Woods drive hit a sprinkler head and then went into the trees.

   If George Washington never told a lie, why is his picture on a dollar bill worth 38 cents?

   Can someone explain to me why I just bought a pack of Sweet Tarts and a sugar free drink?

   Just saw a commerical for the snuggie, I thought it was a stupid idea but I couldnt change the channel because my arms would get cold

   if you stand on your toilet your automatically high on pot!!!!

   Hold up Biatch (┌'-')┌︻╦̵̵͇̿̿̿̿╤── \(‾- ‾\) where is my mutha fucckin sauce for my Mc. Nuggets!

   Hey old guy, could you possibly smell more like mothballs? Are you carrying some on you right now? Is your bedroom like a McDonald's ball pit, just filled to the waist with moth balls?

   Religion is all-too-often a refuge for scoundrels.

   " A friend with weed is a friend indeed!!!!! "

   Once upon a time, many, many years ago in a galaxy far, far away, I was in the Boy Scouts. I slipped on a banana peel, hurt my ankle and a little old lady had to help me cross the street.

   Homeless people dont have it too bad; I mean.......they dont have to pay taxes, WORK, pay bills, hell.......they can freakin sleep anytime they want!

   Dear Facebook: Stop suggesting people I may know. Yes I know them. But I don't like them.

   Women seem to want security. At least that's what they yell whenever I come near them.

   Stock markets close out on worst year since 1931. Well, we did say we wanted to go back in time, to the good old days.

   Sierra, Echo, November, Delta. November, Uniform, Delta, Echo, Sierra

   Five years ago today, Barack Obama wore a tan suit, the biggest scandal in presidential history (rolling eyes back).

   Maybe if we over-paid our teachers and under-paid our Pop artists their would be better education and less bad music.

   we need to stop blaming obama for everything bush screwed up..then stop blaming bush for everything Clinton screwed up and then...oh you get it.

   America is the only nation in history which has gone miraculously gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilisation

   I turned my phone onto "Airplane Mode" and threw it in the air. Worst transformer ever...