Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   a ninja NO YOU ARE NOT! you saw that?? SAW WHAT? exactly...

   This just in...Steinbrenner tells Jesus he has 3 days to cut his hair and shave his beard or he will be benched

   I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? ‘Cause I'm like ‘Bana … keep going. Bananana … damn.

   thinks it's unbelievable how pretentious some cat owners are. I could never be like that with my Dostoevsky!

   I have two nipples, and I aint sharing either one of 'em.

   out like janet jackson's right nipple! g'nite! =)

   Juston Beiber is the AMA Artist of the year, Wonder why every one hate america

   Can't remember the name of the last girl she slept with. It's on the tip of my tongue.

   thinkin that girls a stunt... a little bit stupid and a little bit of a ....

   It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

   Please Wait...My heart is now loading...20% completed.40% completed.80% completed.99.9% completed...Error! Error!..Something has interrupted the download. Please try again later.

   Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk past you again?

   Can dogs have onion?... Cause I gave my dog an onion four years ago,,, and now my internet's acting up

   No matter how old you are, no matter how badass you think you are, If a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, You answer it.

   sometimes when i'm drunk I choose the Chinese option on the ATM to challenge myself.

   A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.

   My mom thinks LOL stands for "lots of love" and texted me "Your Grandma just died. LOL." :)

   I only use the Asian laundromats. It takes two wongs to make it white.

   Dont Pour Sugar on me... I have Diabetes... Dont Pour Sugar on me... High in fructose... Dont pour sugar on me.. I'll die of stroke.. Hot sticky lost my feet... Feeling numb from my head to my feet yeah... Dont Pour Sugar on me... I have had enough

   A South Korean woman passed her written driving exam on the 950th try, taking the test every day for four years. She then went to a random typewriter and banged out a Shakespearean play.