Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Man if I don't get my ex back today thisis the 742nd last straw!

   If the power of the mind is so strong,why cant it clean my house while I sit here and think hard about it.

   When nobody understands what you are talking about, you're either a genius, insane, or you're my GF.

   I go from love to restraining order in one marriage.

   "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."-----JFK he was not Just kidding.

   Ladies, we can tell when you take a naked pic and try to crop it down to a head/shoulder shot.

   When the stalker becomes the stalked.

   Behind every man with great s tatus you pdates is either a beautiful woman who has inspired him or destroyed him.

   Pro tip:When women want to be held, hold em When they're sad, love em When they're drunk, try for butthole. It's easier when they're drunk \ :D /

   Majority of people prepared to die for their rights are also willing to lie to avoid their responsibilities.

   I bought new c#m catchers, I mean socks. . .

   It's not Adam and Steve it's Adam and “we need to talk”

   Which surprise would be worse .The 'finger in my ass without permission' kind, or "Just look at the flowers" kind.

   Oh... you were saying 'good boy' to the dog? Guess I'll just put these back on. Awkward.

   why do elephants have four feet? Because six and a half inches just ain't long enough

   Does anybody even really care about the Beetles?

   Jesus: The Truth and Way...Cheeses: The Curds and Whey.

   "Cum with me if you want to Liv" ~ Arnold Schwazenegger having sex with Steven Tyler's daughter

   Its national dogs day, weird its also the day they were allowed to start voting

   "Welcome to Costco, I love you."