Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only reason I am not going to my patio and jumping off of the railing during all this madness is because I live on the first floor and do not want to look like a mental escapee to all of my neighbors.

   I made my wife a Caesar salad last night! The dog was really pissed off though as it was his last tin!

   A quick temper will make a fool of you very soon. Especially for a lot of people here.

   I cop pulled me over for talking on the phone while driving. I didn't get a ticket after I explained that it was my wife. she was doing all the talking and I wasn't really listening

   who gives a rat ass - nuttin we can do about it anyways

   * Kinky versus perverded kinky is useing a feather during sex. Perverded is useing the whole duck.

   A friend of mine drowned at the beach. The Coast Guard asked me to identify the body. I said duh, it's the Atlantic Ocean.

   What is only a small box, but weighs over 250 pounds? A scale

   I can't wait to have make up sex... I've been arguing with myself all day.

   Daffy Definition #348 Iditarod: Monica Lewinsky's autobiography.

   Halloween is over time to put up the Christmas decorations.

   My wife passed some gas. I told her it was rank. She said to treat it like aroma therapy.

   A husband's last words always has to be 'OK buy it'.

   I found out that if you have an annoying song stuck in your head that you want to forget, listen to Don't Stop Believing by Journey and it go away. REALLY!!

   All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.

   Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

   the superman of humility

   Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ........... words will never f**king fail me !!!

   The richest person is not the one who has the most,while he is the one who needs less.

   even the dark is frightened of me !