Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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I discretely pass gas around the house just to make non of my family members have covid 
I feel confidence they're going to be able to hammer out a stimulus deal by Christmas.....of 2021
"Walking In a Wonderland" is a great Christmas song for Southerners to keep in mind since they don't know how to drive in it.
Everyone freaking about how 2021 sounds like 2020 won. . . Well 2022 is gonna sound like 2020 too.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, you feed him for a lifetime...
If I had a gold medal, I'd tell people I won it in the Mugging Gold Medalists event.
It was 25 years ago today that Al Gore invented the intertube. Celebrate this marvelous technical achievement by watching some cat-on-a-treadmill videos.
Today, famous author Elizabeth Gilbert of "Eat, Pray, Love" fame revealed she left her husband for her female best friend. Future plans include a sequel to the best-selling book entitled "Eat, Pray, Scissor."
BREAKING NEWS From CNN .... This just in ..... Hillary Clinton just won this and the next Presidential debate by a LANDSLIDE!!! Hail Hillary. .... Wait What?
A quick temper will make a fool of you very soon. Especially for a lot of people here.
I cop pulled me over for talking on the phone while driving. I didn't get a ticket after I explained that it was my wife. she was doing all the talking and I wasn't really listening
who gives a rat ass - nuttin we can do about it anyways
* Kinky versus perverded kinky is useing a feather during sex. Perverded is useing the whole duck.
A friend of mine drowned at the beach. The Coast Guard asked me to identify the body. I said duh, it's the Atlantic Ocean.
What is only a small box, but weighs over 250 pounds? A scale
Daffy Definition #348 Iditarod: Monica Lewinsky's autobiography.
Halloween is over time to put up the Christmas decorations.
My wife passed some gas. I told her it was rank. She said to treat it like aroma therapy.
I made my wife a Caesar salad last night!
The dog was really pissed off though as it was his last tin!
A husband's last words always has to be 'OK buy it'. 