Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's funny how so many expectant moms don't like it when I use the term "invading organism."

   inventing little nipples for your texting thumbs

   I bet pyromaniacs were jonesing pretty bad before that first caveman figured out how to make fire.

   it's officially ok to fkk in the car cause it's March Madness, it's a holiday

   You can prevent yourself from crying in any other situation by not being such a little b!tch.

   I don't want a cow, I just wanna drink the milk.

   Ok, so I've got my petrol home. Now where am I supposed to store it all? The bath is already full of stamps and pasties.

   A wise man once said........ relationships are like jacking off.... no doubt, they're amazing.. but they always end in a mess.

   I was skeptical at first so I waited to see if the hype was true. And I'll have to say this was a good Friday....... 

   What do you call the head of North Korea's failed rocket program ?.......The Deceased....!

   Hey cell phone companies.. Can I tell me where I can find 4g? Oh there is none? Cause 4g is really 3g jus like xfinity is comcast!

   "If you focus only on yourself and neglect others, you will lose; but you will gain if you value others as much as you cherish yourself." - Dalai Lama

   It's gotten to the point where I can't get off unless they say "please pull forward to the first window"

   My children have turned me into a Serial Liar...

   S.K.O.O.P.= Something Kooky Or Otherwise Pathetic

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

   Don't try to high five blind people Ryan Seacrest, it is awkward.

   Mike Tyson trained Justin Bieber.......No Punchline needed there

   I think it's time for me to pick something to care about.

   If you're a female, I can understand if you don't watch football, if you're a man, you have an obligation to your why chromosome.