Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How come when your wife is pregnant, people rub her tummy and say "congratulations" but no one rubs your balls and says, "good job"?

   You'll never guess what came in my mail todday. The mailman did :(

   Does this mean we'll have to pay more to access webpages that were free?

   A Woman Finding Out AFTER Long Search On Net That..... "Phillip's 21 Inch" Was Actually Just a T.V.

   Let her you care by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it.

   If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don't want it...

   X-Box Kinect - Just one more thing people in wheelchairs can't enjoy.

   I just pitched A&E Network on a show. A Jevvish spinoff on Duck Dynasty. Schmuck Dynasty. Too soon?

   I thought Game of War was some kind of breast inhancement app. I was wrong.

   Who cares if its back to the future day The real version is Marty is on welfare and Doc is in jail for touching little boys.

   With show after show about it on the History Channel, I'm starting to think the Holocaust might have really happened.

   I didn't bust too many cherries in high school but I'm pretty sure I stretched a few out.

   still mad at my friend for stealing my Hannah Montanna Poster! Grow up!!"

   offered in an assortment of colours.

   waking up in vegas

   Never Drink & Drive. You May Spill The Drink

   Wow Mel Gibson....did you really make 'Passion of the Christ' with that mouth and attitude...typical "holier than though" abusive man

   My size 28 girlfriend decided to go to an aerobics class, she bent, twisted, gyrated, and jumped up and down for an hour. But by the time the fat c*nt had got her leotard on, the class had finished!

   Am I REALLY the only person who thought that the national anthem's opening line was "Jose can youuu see!"  up until last year? Seriously?!!

   Wife woke up this morning and said she heard running water in her ears... I told her she may have a creek in her neck.