Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   will be home late for supper. I'm going to a ho-down and I cant leave until she get's back up.

   The New Year is ringing in, may all your Champagne wishes and Caviar Dreams come true!!

   spending all day at the furburger buffet...

   Easily I approach, the microphone because I ain't no joke....

   going to Diseny World to play with my Make Believe friends

   thinks you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you should never pick your friend's nose!

   ‎2 packet of Crisps were walking along the road. Passing car stops and the driver asked if they would like a lift. "No thanks," said the crisps "We're Walker's''

   so excited for another day of having to listen to how great a teenage girls struggle between necrophilia and bestiality is

   Question: "Why did Jack Bauer cross the road?" Answer: "Because the road was too afraid to cross Jack Bauer!!!!"

   Marriage changes passion....Suddenly you're in bed with a relative

   two blondes walk into a bar... you would think one of them would of saw it

   Diarreah the day after thanksgiving is a turkeys last revenge...

   Help support heating assistance programs....Ladies post photos of your cold nips.

   I came...I saw....I decided to order take out !

   my children are ARE well behaved!! everyone just has high standards

   X was here but now she's gone. She left her name to carry on. Those who knew her knew her well. Those who didn't can go to hell.

   Who the hell does my cat keep sleeping with to fall pregnant - she's the neighbourhood sharmouta :( I raised a skanky cat !!! *TEARS*

   you're allways late, your work is slack, you bit#h and wine behind my back, a 2hr lunch 4u is quick, and twice a week you call in sick, i've hated you since the day you were hired, get to work are your fat a#s is fired

   Can't even think about a cop yelling "SPREAD 'EM!" without a confetti cannon going off in my panties.

   Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward.