Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have an eating disorder. It called not starving to death. . .

   After seeing the price of Gold drop I am now glad that I invested in weapons grade Plutonium.........ahhhh, I mean silver, yeah silver

   My heart's not broken; it's just under construction. Fines will be doubled.

   single and ready to m(ake chocolate cake and sob)ingle

   You know....I once dated an amputee....She single-handedly changed my life.

   "We find the defendant....right there, in the chair next to the defense attorney" "Good work jury, now its your turn to hide"

   Some people believe,we shouldn't say things that offend other people...Well...If my posts offend you then are intended, just for you..!

   Myspace: Died a couple of years ago. Facebook: In the hospital. Twitter: At the strip club throwing ones at the big booty hoes.

   I pooped the other day and called it Peter. That is the closest I have come to playing Call of Duty.

   I am convinced Judas was a woman...They can kill you with a smile or a kiss.

   WOOOO HOOOOO!! The idiots down at the dog park just let me have all this dog s hit FOR FREE!

   it just me or does the new pitch-man in the Vonage commercials look like a crazy Irish homeless caveman??

   Sunglasses: Allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like Facebook in real life.

   Lady referee: What? What happened, why did he run into the other team? Throw it, throw it, throw it…why didn't he throw it??? You wants more dip?

   "Girls Gone Wild"....Just Sequestered President Obama..I Betcha!

   Luke 6:27 But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you. I got you a Justin Bieber CD.

   when people refer to "the world's oldest profession" do they mean gardening?...Genesis refers to a Garden of Eden in the beginning

   I am the type of guy who will not hesitate to tell a midget to grow up!

   What did Arnold scwhatzneger and Tiger wood say to the General P? ...... ew still working on a punchline...

   Just finished writing "Cyber Monday does NOT mean what I thought it meant" 100,000x Can I go home now Sister Rose?