Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fool the kids into thinking this will be the best Christmas ever by circling all the expensive stuff in the Argos catalogue

   I'll put my phone down when I'm dead on the outside too

   Hillary has been sending me sexual explicit emails for years. . .

   Wished I loved anything as much as my dog loves smelling human crouches.

   Adam ate the apple, and our teeth still ache.

   I'm sorry if I was rude to you earlier. I honestly thought you were the ugly one in your profile picture.

   Broke parents are why I have trust fund issues.

   I am about to boil some water that I want to freeze later......does anyone happen to know what temperatures I should use to do this????

   I don't use turn signals when I drive because a lady never tells.

   Accidently sent a naked pic to everyone in my address book. Cost me a fortune in postage!

   My EX GF asked me if we could talk about my internet addiction problem. I told her... "Not right now baby I am downloading P0RN!"

   All the sin around today just means more girls for me in Heaven!!

   a little shake .. a little tingle.. a little shake.. a little tingle.

   Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.

   Hey kids, see that new sports car over there? Well your old man got a promotion today & got some new glasses so I also see the car. nice car

   How can you say Trump is like Hitler, did you fondle both of their genitals?

   Hmmm, I really would like to see some of you get punched in the nose at a Trump ralley

   come2 the j.oke.ca.fe for way better stuff

   You know its good sex when she stars screaming some other guys name.

   If you gonna tell me what to do, you should pay me for it. I dont do nothing for free.