Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FYI: If a test asks for the capital of North Dakota you can write "who cares" and it won't be marked as incorrect.

   White girls favorite book: The Little Engine Who Could Not Even.

   This hooker is acting like this is the first time anyone has ever pulled a gun on her. What a newb.

   Where are all the Cubs fans now?

   I make guys nervous when I go braless... Because at that point... They see I have bigger balls than they do!

   Come over here and I’ll show you what the girl I cheated on you with did in bed.

   essential to a balanced diet

   having a facebook moment!

   wonders why some men cultivate on their face that which grows freely on their arses?

   If God is inside us, then I hope he likes enchiladas

   # He pretends to be ivy league. When he's actually more bowling league.

   Have you seen my thumb ring?" ~ my proctologist

   99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. After Brett Kavanaugh walks in the room, there's no more bottles of beer on the wall.

   I killed 6 people this morning thinking they were post-apocalyptic zombies. Then I realized there was no apocalypse, it's just Sunday morning on a long weekend. Sorry to the families of the people who's brains I spiked in the church parking lot this morni

   I wonder what happens to facebook accounts of people who pass away.

   Jesus this, Mosses that- Abraham hit me with a wiffleball bat

   Can't wait for the fat man to show up on Christmas eve, and no I'm not talking about Trump.

   For $250 an hour I will pose as a marriage counselor and tell your partner they are wrong about everythng.

   The space bar means everything... Its the difference bewteen "She gave me herpies" & "She gave me her pies." One's more delicious

   accidentally took one of my wife's One-A-Day Vitamins for Women this morning. I've been trying to get dressed for 4 hours but everything makes me look fat. And I think I forgot to unplug the curling iron.