Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does any one cares about KKK, white supremacy, Neo-Nazi, illigal immigrants, Confederate Statues in Houston? Just asking for a friend

   My washing machine excites me more than you will ever know !

   How is my Facebooking? call 1-800-DIS-LIKE

   some people have their baby ruths or their michael jordan or wayne gretzky or dan marinos but my idol is adam from man vs. food.

   Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

   On an upcoming episode of "man vs wild" Bear encounters a crododile, shark invested waters and his most dangerous incounter, an out of control jet blue flight attendent.

   the journey of one thousand miles begins with a single cup of coffee

   some weird fat man with a white beard wearing red clothes just shoved me into a big red sock... OK people, which one of you asked to get me for Christmas??

   thinks we should go into the dressing room at Wal-mart and say..Ummm excuse me, do you have any toilet paper?

   Damn! Why did Friday the 13th have to be today...it's only the middle of the week!

   NOTE TO SELF: Buy most Post-Its. You're all out.

   I eat the green crayon cuz the green one tastes the best!

   Goodbye mistletoe belt bucket....hello mistletoe boxer shorts.

   If I grow weed in farmville, sell it in mafia wars, reckon how many farkle points I could get for a quarter bag?

   cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.

   When you lie to everyone else. You're only lying to yourself.

   Ladies - Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies (diapers).

   your so vain I bet you think this status is about you

   people who have pitbulls are cowards who havent got the guts to bite people themselves!

   Cinco de Mayo...when we commemorate the sinking of the great Spanish Mayonnaise flotilla which liberated Mexico from the iron grip of the Spanish mayonnaise monopolies...