Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   how can you tell a japanese prostitute from the others?..she is the one in the fish nets

   I was injured tap dancing. Broke my ankle when I fell into the sink.

   Hang on a sec, I'm about this close to getting the hi-score on Donkey Kong!!

   going to freeze some sperm for later use in life, but wonders if the ice cube tray makes a suitable container

   I'm not lady gaga but I too want to take a ride on your disco stick

   My wife is always complaining that I'm a slob by leaving clothes laying around. But that's only because she took up all the closet space.

   I really loved that Stormy Daniels interview on 60 minutes. Best 60 minute of my life!

   Christmas is over. We now return to our regularly scheduled self-centered lives already in progress.

   Silence is golden, but Duct tape is silver.

   What Do Roads And Women Have In Common...."Manholes"

   A woman has just looked through the window whilst I was playing with myself.

   "Babe, is it in?" "Yeah" "Is it hurting?" "Mmhmm" "Let me try to put it in slowly" "Ouch,it still hurts!" "Ok, let's try another shoe size...

   Dear parents: Oh really? I'm a liar? What about the tooth fairy, the Easter Bunny, and Santa Claus? Sincerely, your child.

   147 mass shootings in US already this year: let's make it easier to buy guns....2 cases of voter fraud in 2020: let's make it harder to vote (rolls eyes back).

   GLAD AND GLAAD... Both great to associate with garbage. "Don't get mad, like GLAAD" ignorant libs!

   I remember September 11th like it was only yesterday.

   Love is never wrong...Especially when that love is between two young carefree ladies who have wandering hands and a deep curiosity for experimentation with Coprophagia, a little Cyclic vomiting syndrome and a cup...Yea that's some real love :)

   I need to find a hobby that does not include my debit card.

   How many animals do you think they tried shaving before they figured out sheep?

   Dear atheist, if God doesn't exist, then explain why Kim Kardashian is famous?