Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I checked with Kelly Blue Book to see how much my car was worth. They asked if the gas tank was full or empty.

   breaking news... sorry folks, christmas has been cancelled due to santa being fired for asking a girl if she had been naughty or nice...

   No seriously if Obama really cant work Playstation & Xbox's we have a real problem!!

   says Happy Christmas to all Canadians and Marry Hanukkah to my fellow Americans.

   "Hey, what's up?" "Gas prices." "You know what I mean, like.. What's crackin'?" "Nutshells." "Really? Fine. What's poppin'?" "Corn."

   why only VALENTINES DAY for the 1 you love the most..why it can't be 24/7, 365 days a year !!

   A little league baseball coach got busted for molesting his 8-year-old players. What the hell? I was in little league. No one even tried to molest me. What was wrong with me? Was I not good lookin enough?

   Michael jackson hasnt been this stiff since Mucully Culkin spent the night at Neverland ranch..

   i feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket orrrrr something!!!!

   Im so FU***ing tired of this snow that I just ripped all of my kids possessions (books , Comforters etc) that have any type of reference to SNOW WHITE... yeah..F**ck her too!

   I believe Adam Lambert would hold one in his jaw until the swelling goes down.

   David Hasselhoff's liver is soo shriveled, black and dead, if you put your ear to the side of it, you can hear it going: ‘What you talkin' about Willis?"

   On a walk, my stepdaughter saw a pay phone, asked what it was. I made him look it up on his Blackberry.

   Burger King and Dairy Queen live in a White Castle, down the street from the Golden Arch and they have a daughter named Wendy.

   don't worry about your boyfriend dumping you, there's plenty of fish in the sea.......whats that?...There's an oil spill?....

   How is Monday the 13th not as scary as Friday the 13th?!

   Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier lady at the 7-Eleven last night. Hope I don't catch Slurpees.

   If your woman is overweight, carry her on your back then suddenly fall. That way she'll know she needs to cut back on the fast food without you ever saying anything.

   Transitions Lenses are a great way let people know you wear socks when you're having sex.

   :To all the fat chicks that only take pics from the neck up .... good try ... Very good try.